The Children

Sometimes there aren't words to sum up a movie.  This is one of those movies.   I'm not saying that I've been awed by the power of this film, but rather I was so bored I think I dozed off half way through.   The Children was made in the 1980 and tells the story of children who are accidentally irradiated.   A school bus full of children vanish and the town is surprisingly calm about it.   They assume their children are at friend's houses.  There are several conversations in which mothers ask each other about their missing children in a casual almost half hazard tone.

Finally,  the children come back and the mothers run to their young to have them suck the life from their bodies.  The children kill the town with their evil, deadly hugs.   The town doesn't seem to notice this either.  People are dying left and right.  Children are missing but everyone seems unaware of the doom that is creeping towards them.  When the heroes are finally beseiged by hordes of zombie children,  they don't even lock all the windows.  They kind of just shut the doors and hope for the best.   They put their one living son to bed and leave him completely unalone while they go into the kitchen and bicker.  Meanwhile,  the kids sneak into the other child's room and kill him.   It is mind boggling the idiocy and apathy that drive the plot of this less than b-grade film.   View this film at your own risk.

Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave

OK.  So this movie is obviously not a Classic.  Not even close.  However,  if you enjoy the Return of the Living Dead movies this is definately worth a watch.  Return of the Living Dead and it's offspring represent a significant departure from standard zombie movies.   Most zombie movies try to make you think.  They comment on society and the nature of good and evil within the living.  Return of the Living Dead  does nothing like this.  These movies are light hearted and silly.  They are full of gags, laughs, and stupid teenagers doing stupid things.  The zombies are funny and cry out for "brains!"   They trick the living into bringing more brains.

Return of the Living Dead:  Rave to the Grave stuck to the Return of the Living Dead formula.  It was packed full of stupid one liners and silly jokes.   There are hitch hiking zombies and male interpole police men dressed as Valkries slaying the undead with rocket launchers.  There are stupid teenagers and plenty of zombies crying out for brains.  The plot of this movie is pretty simple.  Two teens find their dead uncles stash of zombie filled canisters in the attic.  They take the cannisters to a friend who is a chemistry major for analysis.   The chemistry major thinks it would be a wonderful idea to turn the goo the zombie is floating in into some kind of x like drug.   He and his friends sell it to everyone at a Rave.   Zombie madness and silliness follows.   If you are in a silly mood and you want something ridiculous to watch,  this is the zombie movie to complete your evening.

What Kind of Zombie Scenario is Best For You?

Save Yourself from Zombies: Drink Trappist Ales

Trappist style ales are a rare gem.  They are some of the best beers on earth and a rare few of these are actually brewed by trappist monks.   Chimay Blue is my favorite of these, but others include Orval Trappist Ale and Koenings Hoeven.   Whatever the brand,  these beers are not only the best beers in the world, but they will make you zombie proof!  So drink up.  It may save your life.

Zombie Nightmare

Almost everything about this film is really, really horrible.  The acting is just silly.  The plot is ridiculous and the writing is beyond bad.  This is one of the worst zombie movies I have ever seen.  It is saved by the fact that it has moved beyond regular crap into a realm of horrible films like Attack of the Killer Shrews and Plan 9 from Outer Space.   It is so bad it is actually very funny.   There are wonderful scenes like the one in which a police officer interogated a rape victim whose rapist had his removed by a zombie in midrape in which the officer asks,  "What were you doing in an alley in the middle of the night with a man with a knife if you didn't want sex?"  I still don't know the answer to that question.

Staring Adam West from TV's Batman in a role that makes no sense and Tia Carrere in a role that makes even less sense,  the plot of his movie stumbles around in between voodoo rituals and body builder zombies into a climax that just left me thinking,  "What is going on?"   If you love B-grade cinema and want a good laugh,  this movie is perfect for you, otherwise leave this one alone. 

Breathers: A Zombie's Lament

There aren't a lot of really good zombie romances out there.  The shelves are cluttered with copies of  Twilight and other kissy, sicky sweet vampire romances, but it is really hard to find zombie love stories.   It makes no sense to me because this book is one of my all time favorites.   It is touching, beautiful, and more romantic than every vampire romance balled up into one.

Breathers is the story of a recently dead zombie every man.   In a world where zombies are hated,  he has to find a way to survive and find happiness.  This happiness comes from a zombie support group, where he meets a zombie with a penchant for rennaisance pornography,  a beautiful zombie addicted to shampoo, and a duo of zombies with a love fror the flesh of the living.   Together,  these zombie misfits turn the lives of the living and the dead upside down.   If you love zombie you'll love this book and you should read it at least twice.